Why burnout requires more, not less

When I was a teenager, I dreamt of becoming an actor. I never told anyone. It wasn’t for fame or fortune; rather, the opportunity to wake up each day and be something different, develop a character, and find a new perspective on life. Actors will play librarians, psychologists, thieves, medical doctors, lawyers, writers, heroes, villains, and even presidents in a single career.

I remember watching The Firm, The Paper Chase, and A Few Good Men, dreaming of becoming a lawyer. I’d then segue to the life of a secret agent, watching The Bourne Identity or The Recruit. Then, a week later I might go on a stretch of ER, Grey’s Anatomy, and House, considering a medical profession. As silly as it sounds today, I could see a future career in each of these tv shows and movies as a child.

As a psychologist, my job has remained mostly same since roughly 2013 when I saw my first client. I sit down, mind my posture, nod, question, inform, and invite. It’s not simple, but there are patterns to it — like any job. These actions and words have evolved over time, but day in and day out this is generally my role. I traded the dream of an ever-changing profession for a single one. What made it easier was knowing that every client that walked through my door (or magically poofs online for telehealth) would have a different story.

Every single person was and is unique. I’ve worked with some who are homeless and broke, others who run multi-million dollar businesses and drive $250,000 G-wagons. There have been lawyers, writers, tech execs, students, and owners. Each person who is courageous enough to sit before me — mind you, I’m a stranger (initially) — and share vulnerable truths, I’ve been given a gift of a window into worlds I never understood or belonged to.

I live for this newness at every corner of my work. It’s kept me hooked and serving clients for over 12 years now. But even I struggle with the darkness of some of my sessions, eventually getting burnt out. There have been unspeakable, traumatic truths my clients shared over the years — ones I will go to my grave knowing and no one else. These moments bring a heaviness and gravity to my work that bleeds overnight or into the weekends. It keeps me up at night, wondering and worrying.

That’s part of the reason I started this site. I’m convinced there’s a little bit of me that didn’t become an actor, but still desired using my brain in a multiple ways every day. Having multiple outlets allows my clinical brain to relax slightly, and recognize another interest and passion. Nor am I alone in this need for diversity in our days.

A couple of weeks ago, I met with a burnt out, I’m-done-with-this client. Some of the details that follow have been changed to protect their identity. She talked about quitting her job, applying for disability, leaving her city, state — shoot, even the country. She was done, done, done. So we explored how she got here, feeling exhausted. The client explained how she always wished to be a business owner, but was now “stuck” in a demanding job, paying off student loans, and needing to support her family. There wasn’t any time or money to start a business. Her dreams had been permanently put on hold.

What I hear in these moments and resonate with is that life has various demands, which pull on our values. Perhaps what we find important is our family, social life, health, and/or our job. Unfortunately, we might find those things playing tug-of-war for attention. To invest more in our family, might come at the expense of the job. Spending more time at our work, might mean saying no to our friend’s party. At times, they feel like impossibly difficult decisions to make in our effort to make life purposeful.

In my clinical work, I frequently bring out a values assessment at these times or an Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) tool known as the Bullseye Worksheet. Regardless of the specific method, each one is getting at the same two ideas: 1) what are your values? and 2) how closely aligned are you to your value today vs where you want to be in the future? Sometimes, that gap in values-congruent actions is large. Whenever that’s the case, my clients are usually feeling pretty awful about themselves. Using a Likert scale, I invite clients to consider how we might live into our values and close the gap — moving more into alignment.

Ninety-nine percent of the time, my clients voice the need to get more engaged — not less — with their communities, home life, and work. But that’s a puzzling idea when so many experience “exhaustion” and “burnout.” If we’re so tired, why do we say we need to do more? Don’t we just need sleep and time off? The answer is not simple, but quite interesting for most of the people I serve.

Oftentimes, what’s needed ironically is more engagement and time — with one big caveat. The increased effort needs to feel existentially fulfilling, meaningful, and values-congruent. When we’re engaged in life in those ways, we often experience a dividend of energy. When we put more time into our purposeful activities, we have more energy for the drudgery of work or challenges at home. Exhaustion is a paradox: when we work harder and in more fulfilling ways, we can actually create energy.

It’s easy for me to melt into the couch, binge-watching Owning Manhattan. And yet, I know this brings me further from what’s meaningful in my life, and even though it feels relaxing, might actually leave me more tired the next day.

My client needed to feel like she, too, was moving towards their values. We talked about her researching the formation of a business and coming up with a plan as homework. The emphasis was on treating our values as a journey, not a destination. Not a simple on/off switch of values, but one of degrees.

I never became an actor. Never got to experience my work emulating some new person or life. Instead, my clients have gifted me the privilege of being able to collaborate, join, and build with them as a psychologist. And I’ve learned with them about the importance of diversifying our life, finding our passions, and honing our crafts.

Now, how will you lean into your values today?